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So much giving not enough reciving.

Welp, another relationship down the drain. I know that i tried everything and did everything i possibly could and that im not the one who is going to be wondering what if, or have the weight of regret on my shoulders, you are. Its gonna be so hard not talking to you everyday and knowing about your life, but at this point in time losing you and the friendship that we built is not worth hurting everyday and im tired of feeling hurt and worthless. I know deep down that you Have very strong feelings for me and that i am important to you,but you wont make me a priority im behind everyone your friends and family, and what sucks is that i thought we were friends but you don't treat your friends that way. You chased me for 5 freaking months darryl,5 months and i wasn't even interested but you jumped all the hoops texted and talked to me everyday acting so itentive, back then you asked to hang out all the time, I think you just liked the chase and then when you finally had me you didn't know what to do with me. What sucks the most is i wasn't in love with you when we first broke up, i liked you alot yes but i couldve got over you a lot faster but all those times we spent together after we broke up and all those fights where you acted like you liked me so much, such a waste and i don't know why you dragged me around for so much longer when you knew you had no intention on ever changing, You said when we were dating that you don't know how to have a girlfriend and that you should grow up, well you never did and i highly doubt you ever will, like your 26 years old and the longest relationship is 6 months except me when technically we only dated for 2 months. but we were together for atleast 8.. Im angry but i know my anger will fade and im going to miss you so much and im going to want to text you or contact you some way, but i can't i deserve so much more then this, you have to be cut out of my life for good, or atleast till im completely over you, watch you do exactly what darcy did to me and date some other girl after this and make her your complete world, i will be freaking crushed and i donno if i will get back up again, im so terrified of relationships now, it always starts off so well and im in control and can do whatever i want and then bam they are in control and im fucked over. Well atleast i know the signs of someone who isn't serouis about a relationship and should be peaced out on right away, but i always knew that you cared about me and it was real and we both had strong feelings for eachother, Ah well i know your going to regret this and that your gonna miss me alot and now that you cant see my fb page i know thats gonna kill you, but its done we are done your cut out of my life. The funny thing is this couldve been all avoided if you just said no in the first place, we couldve atleast of still been friends. Well I hope everytime you look at your hat or run across to your letter, you think of me and think shes the one who got away, cause you aren't getting me back, im gone that ship has sailed... like yesterday♥

Apr. 1st, 2010

Adam Turnbull..

who knew you'd break my faith my heart and our friendship all in one day.

words to live by

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then HELL NO, you can't be "friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Dont settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing ALL the bending... compromise is a two-way street. You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two whole individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes you for granted.♥

Jan. 6th, 2010

stand for awhile, and waited for words,
Seemed to not hurt and struggled to try.
My tongue's turning black, but I'll take you back.
You're still the best more or less.
you always thought that i left myself open.
but you didn't know i was already broken<3

your a lush and i hate it.

Its' about that time again,where i need to rant and get my feelings out,cause im pretty sure all my girls are getting tired of hearing about it, and im tired of whining about it. so im just gonna get it all out right now, and hopefully it will make me feel better. So for the past month and half me and darcy have been serouisly hanging out again and i thought we were making alot of progress, but obvouisly since he doesnt give a shit to text me first were obvouisly going no where, even though in the beginning of our relationship he never texted me and its because he doesnt think to text people and that if he didnt have his phone he wouldnt talk to anyone, " i want a landline and people can call me to talk to me"... fack nice excuse. anyways i didn't think id let him back in but i did.. Me kim and Sara decided to do drinks and kim had plans to meet Brad, and ofcourse Darcy was on his short change and was with him, first time seeing him and actually giving him the time of day in like a month and a half..besides him talking to me on facebook and me brushing him off at the bar hardcore.. so we were all standing there and you could tell her was nervous that i was around cause he kept cracking jokes and staring at me.. so we all decided to go to the vill cause there was nothing else going on.. so there like will follow you.. but sara had to go to the bathroom so we go to the crown and she stops for a pee.. brad calls kim and is talking to her and all of a sudden my phone rings? ohh look whos calling darcy! i was like hello? and hes like are u guys coming to the vill and im like yah we are and hes like okay will u text or call mes when ur over the bridge, and its like uh darcy i know kims talking to brad right now so you obvouisly just called me just to talk to me.. so i said yes, and when we were on our way to the vill im like theres no road block and hes like ok, so see you at the vill?:) and im like yah. and then the whole time at the vill he tried so hard to talk to me and make conversation and when brad would go outside he would stand with us and just keep talking to me.. so i knew he was sorry and missed me. but that wasnt the night that we fixed things, me and kim went costume shoppng in nelson and we really wanted to party ( on a monday night) we were pumped for halloween.. anyways kim was texting with rory and him and D were just getting wasted by themselves and gaming and kim was like thanks for our invite and hes like come on up if you want, and kims like i may or may not be your hero right now, and shes like were going to rorys to hang out with him and darc, and im like okay whatever im over it i can act fine and hang out with him and be friends, even tho i was tottaly not over him. so we got there and it was akward at first but we sat there on the couches and they played there game intill someone won.. and darcy was being his usual self and they were definatly half cut we were half cut from our road pops and we decided to play a game, rory may is probably the most competive person on the planet.. its almost scary haha. so we started playing this really werid game that ive never played before and im half cut and its hard to think so rorys like getting mad haha and darcys like trying to help me and tottaly sucking up to me... ect and kim and rory went into the other room for some reason and darcy was like lets play a practice round so we did.. im pretty sure he ended up winning..haha anyways were all wasted by this point and im like darc lets got for a prime time cause thats what i do when im drinking and hes like ok and were outside talking and i was like im fine with this we can be friends we can be besties.. and hes like i dont think i could ever do that with you, and im like well your gonna have too and we started talking about what happend between us and i was like i dont want to talk about this is just hurts me, and like tried to go inside and he pulled me back and told me that he thought about messaging me a thousand times, and that he thinks about me all the time.. and im like why did u say that to megan then i dont get it like i wouldnt of been so mad if you just told me your intentions and hes like i didnt know my intentions and i was joking with megan you know i liked you. and hes like i want to try again i want to take you for dinner, and im like so you liked me just as much as i liked you and hes like liked? like.. and then im like why did you run away, and hes like cause i got scared and ive been hurt before..so we decided that we were gonna try again and hang out sober and try for us.. well what happend to that? weve hung out lots sober now, we went to the movies and we've had so much fun together, we have so much chemistry its ridiculious, we just fit. when we have sleepovers hes always touching me, we wake up cuddling, we talk for hours before falling asleep, i know that he cares about me and i beleive him when he says he likes me alot, but he just does a terrible job at showing it and i dont know if i can handle that anymore, like i had a talk with him after jams when he was extremely jealous over the guys i was hanging out with at jams.. he was so pissed he gave me the cold shoulder all friday, intill i talked to him about it. we obvouisly ended up going home together, and im like u need to start texting me more i feel like im the only one in this relationship, and thats when hes like i dont think to text, and im like well u have to dont you ever think about me? and hes like ofcourse and im liek well when u think about me text me.. and he was doing good for like a whole week and then i got mad at him for some stupid shit and since then hes been like he could care less.. except when i texted him on saturday and was like i want my bathing suit back he was like trying so hard to make convo and talk to me.. and then ofcourse we ended up having another sleepover.. and everything was fine and we even cuddled in the cutest way in the morning and he gave me a head massage cause i was hungover.. and now what? no texts for the whole week unless i text you? that is not fair.. i deserve more then that and i know that,but its so hard when i know he cares about me , he even cares about stuff like my schooling and how much ive been drinking.. or if i have a ride home and such. I know he has feelings for me i have no doubt about that, but i just dont understand why he said he would try and he isnt trying, why put me through that again? if you know you dont want a relationship why cant u just let me go? but whatever im not putting anymore effort into this fucked up thing we have, if you want to talk to me you can text me.. im done trying theres only so much a girl can do and take.. ughhhh i wish i could turn off feelings, and not feel anything for you. but the truth is ive fallen even deeper for you since the last time. FML.

the end<3

you broke my heart.
you promised me the moon and stars.
i fell for your dreams , i fell for your lies
there was no other way you know i tried.
Wow its crazy how fast this summer flew by! it was honestly so much fun i was always doing something even if it was just chilling out with Meg or riss or hanging out at kristophers and getting wasted haha story of my summmer! I learned alot,learned who my real friends are, that all boys are scared little boys with there tails between there legs and that im a good person and that im no longer going to let people walk all over me because im better then that and i have friends boys and girls that love me and would do anything for me and would never intentionaly hurt me=) so in the begining of july i started being close with sam almquist shes a pretty sweet girl except we kinda got into a tiff because she wasnt being honest with her boyfriend and i got caught in the middle of it ughh! but she randomly texted me and was like do u want to come to my friend darcys house for some drinks it was a random thursday night so im like fuck yah its the summer and i have nothing better to do.. so were driving out there and im like whos darcy and kris who? and shes like kris boyce and darcy muir and im like meh i dont know who darcy is but kris boyce alllways creeps on me and shes like hahah yah he does that to everyone but hes honestly such a good guy which was right hes like a big brother to me even though he creeps hardcore on my friends:( sorry ash! haha anyways so we get there and its always a lil akward at first cause i have no idea who these guys are all i knew was that darcy was friends with rory and thats aaaabout it. so we break the ice with playing drinking games and ofcourse i just get fucking inilated in all the games except darcy felt sorry for me and "pretended to suck" haaa sure anyways were all getting pretty shitfaced and we decide to go for a smokeee and were all having a good time talkiing and joking around and kristopher was all up in my busniess hahah and then we went and played more drinking games and i went to go to the bathroom and before that kris was hitting on me harshly putting his hand on my leg and complimenting me left right and center and i come back and all of a sudden Darcy is sitting beside me and its completely switched and then were all wasted by this point and we were standing out side and some how the guys thought it would be a good idea to rate me and sams bums haha and they both slapped my ass soo hard kristopher gave me the biggest bruise jerkk! haha anyway it got cold and were alll just shit faced so we decide to sit in the living room and were all sitting on the couch and kris and sam are under the blanket doing god knooows what and then me and darcy decided to go out side for a bit and we talked for like an hour and half about relationships and how things should be even when it comes to relationships and how his ex girlfriend made him pay for everything little did i know that was ashley hahaha and i was getting mad at sam cause she was being stupid and flirting way to much with kris and i really like steve and darcy was just trying to calm me down haha so it got cold and we were cuddling and i some how got a foot rub out of it.. so we go back in and i was just shit faced and kris decided to tell me he thought my boobs were fake haha and im like hey sams are just as big as mine but turns out she just has a really good push up bra so i was shit faced and pulled my shirt down (bra still on and was like seee) stooopid girl i am haha but somehow me and darc started kissing it was just pecks and stuff and he like told me about how hes always had a crush on me and asked me if i remembered making out in brads car on silver city days, definatly didnt haha i felt so bad, but i was wasted and ended up sleeping with marlin that night, oh im classsy! anyways hes like everytime you change your facebook picture im like holyshit shes fuckin gorgeous haha, it was really cute but halarious.. i remmeber that night i had so much control, what the fuck happend? so that was the begining of me and darcy whatever we were, we spent basically atleast 2 days of the week and weekend together all summer intill two wensdays ago when he decided to be a lil scared boy and run and tell everyone that im basically nothing to him, i shouldve known it was going to end, but fuck i know that it was real and he felt it just as much, i think when we hung out and he was sober it scared him because weve never done that before he always had some kinda alcohol infulence and he didnt and then all of a sudden everything changed, he changed. I know that you cant fake feelings and if he didnt care about me why did he randomly strike up conversation tonight? or when i found out he tried to kiss merissa why did he make so much effort to make it up to me and ask for a second chance, it just never added up, he tottaly acted normal tonight, flirting and just being darcy, so whatever maybe we can be friends but i hope he knows that were never gonna do the things that we used to, im way better then that and if he wants the benifits of a girlfriend and not the commitment he cant find it else where. ughh i went to kristophers on sunday hoping he wasnt going to be there cause i was so not in the mood to have him try to talk to me the whole night, cause funny thing is when he told megan all that shit right after he was trying to talk to me and i just ignored him, and then when he was leaving to get into brads car he gave merissa a hug and i was just waiting for her, and he like came up to me and was like huugs in some kinda cute voice and like reached out for me, so im like yah watever and i tried to cut it short but he pulled me back and like kissed my cheek, like fuck dude you say that shit and then do that to me? you say one thing and you do the other. but anyways i went to kristophers with sare and leah and peter darcys roomate and rory were there and everything was going good and peter comes up to me and he like how are you and darcy? and im like ommg ur kiding me and im like lets go talk and he told me that hes pretty sure he did like me but hes not gonna chase me and he basically beaked him and was like darcys lazy he doesnt play any sports he works and then on his days off he drinks, its like yah? your point haha and then we went back inside and he kept asking me to come over and have a sleep over with him and cuddle? yah peter im gonna come to your house with darcy in the next room not to mention i would never do that, hahah like darcy walks in and its like ohhh hey darcy im just hanging out with your roomate, im not a whore? like are u kidding me haha. anyways he kept like asking me too and i guess everytime i would go to the bathroom he would put more booze in my drink to get me wasted, well mission accomplished i was completely inaliated anyyyways i got shitfaced and me and kris went for a talk outside and i was just like kris why did you tell me that darcy wanted to date me and that he cared alot about me if it wasnt true? and hes like obvouisly it was katie he does like you but hes easily infulenced by what his friends do and say, and he got scared, so whatever hes a fucking idiot and i say im done but he defiantly has a hold on me wether i like it or not, just hopefully next time i see him out, im strong and i can hold myself together. Honestly if you like someone and want to be with them, you shouldn't let your friends change that, even though half his friends hit on me on like a daily bases.its just so silly, i know that ashley really hurt him cause she cheated on him lots and stuff, but just because love hurt you once doesnt mean you dont get up and do it again, but whatever its his loss i know i have other options, but i must say peter, i thought he wouldnt chase me, well i wasnt really talking to him today and he kept on asking me things and trying to talk to me? so hmm maybe your a little full of it! anywho i just needed to get that off my chest! im off to bed got homework in the morning and then im going to steviess for a movie day! yay.. much love xoxo

Jun. 25th, 2009

You'd be good to me and id be so good to you.<3

So much has happend and passed since me and justin broke up. Its hard to beleive that a person that was so important and inbeded into my life is almost like a stranger...its forigen to even say hello. I feel that we should somehow get it over with talk and clear the air because if hes moving here soon im not gonna feel akward and werid to hang out with my friends that i interduced to him right? You think that after youve been with someone so long that you wont date other guys and your scared that you cant get better. Well You will date you may not find better right away but you will feel for someone else again..your heart is capable of liking/loving someone again. Jeff was definately my rebound boyfriend,even though your not supposed to have feelings for your rebound boyfriend haha but meh ive accepted him as the one that got away. then theres dustin...my horror story. Ive never been played till now and man does it suck and what sucks even more is the person i got fucked over for..man shes attractive..naht. anyways the point of this post is to remind myself that even when i feel like i wont find a good guy that will treat me right ( or treat me fantastic but not have time for me) I know that i will because your heart is capable of loving again and you deserve a guy to worship you.
Putting the laws of time and plausiblity aside, picture a battle between the megalodon (a prehistoric shark with a six-foot jaw span) and a giant squid (reported to be the size of a school bus). Who would win?
i only ever write on here when i need to get my feelings out. wow my life has been a whirlwind this last year,breaking up with justin,moving back trying to find myself again..which i tottaly lost in the process of losing my self in him. I know that this is worth it and that i shouldn't think about you and what we couldve had but when you give me a inch i hold onto it even if its a simple txt. I shouldve known that i wouldnt be able to do this fucked up thing you call friends,its to hard and i need to cut all ties with you so i can get over you. The sad thing is i know i could get better,if i really wanted too,but i dont i like what we had and i like the way it felt. I know that this was probably a rebound thing and your not the right guy for me,i mean your going away for school and have no interest in beign with me what so ever,so why cant i take my own advice i give out everyday,and just move on...what is wrong with my heart? I know that these feelings will fade if i just stop talking to you,stop answering your txts and hanging on to your every word. I need to focus on being single and finding myself,finishing biology and english..finding a better job,but how can i do that when your every second thought in my brain? Sometimes i curse this whole intire situation because i didnt want this and i deffently didn't need this,your the one who prusued me texting me every god damn day,being there everytime i went out,hooking me in with yoru sweet words and how different you were from justin. Ugh i know im being silly we dated for a month and this should be super easy to get over,but its not..and i cant help but wonder why? sure your a cute guy but your really not all that, I know i deserve someone that has time for me and wants to be with me every second day.  I just need to tell myself that there is better out there and that i deserve it. Stop txting me and if u do i wont text back because this is what i need to for my own emotional health,is to cut you completely outa my life.sighh maybe one day my prince will come,to bad i caught a frog